Posted tagged ‘Commitment’

At a Loss, Hopefully

July 24, 2012

I have been on a very personal journey for a little over a year now.  I have not really talked about it and I find it really hard to do so in ways other than to point out that I have been successful.  That sounds really bad, doesn’t it.  Hey, I am doing this thing, and I can’t really talk about it or anything, but let me tell you about all of my successes.

I think that now, however, it’s time to talk about it, to help motivate myself again.  So, here it goes.

My whole life I have been struggling with weight.  When I was younger, my mom would make fun of me and call me names which she never seemed to realize did nothing for her cause. She nicknamed me “lump” and managed to use that name for years and even to others make it seem endearing and and not mean, so then others joined in using the name. It was very hurtful and I let it control my actions for years.

Most of the time growing up I could count on my grandmother.  She is/was my favorite person in the whole world, but even she began to comment on my weight at the convincing of my mother.  My grandmother was better, but would still point out people who were heavy or fat and say things about how if I didn’t want to become like them, I needed to do  better.

I tried to do better.  I played sports and I stopped eating.  The eating thing didn’t last long, and instead, I doubled up on eating.

It wasn’t until I moved out and went to boarding school that I had any success with losing weight.  I felt happy, lost weight, and felt normal in my own skin. I started running 5 miles a day, I played soccer, I was enjoying life.

Even after getting kicked out of said boarding school and moving back home I did well, for a while anyway.

At 18, I made a life altering decision that rocked my world and led to depression.  I didn’t see any other way out, I couldn’t really talk about it, and I started eating all the time.  I gained back all the weight I lost and more.  Then, because of the weight I had gained I felt more depressed and so instead of doing something to fix things, I stuffed more food on top of my feelings and just kept eating.

At 21, I found out I was pregnant and for the first time in my life my mother was encouraging me to eat.  So, I allowed myself to get sucked into the trap of “oh, you’re eating for two” and “don’t worry, that’s baby weight” and all of those easy pregnancy traps.  In fact, I fell hard.  70lbs hard. After the baby, I lost some weight, but nothing of consequence, mainly enough to pacify my internal monologue.

When it came time for the second baby (another unexpected surprise) I knew I couldn’t fall into the same traps, but still gained 35-40lbs. This time I felt particularly bad, I knew better and yet here I was, weight loss after was much them same, except this time add in a cross country move and a new job that was beyond stressful.  I did not know which way up and neither did my weight, or it would have fainted at how bad I let things go.

Then, you guessed it, baby #3, and this time I really, really, meant it.  I was not gaining a bunch of weight.  I worked hard, (or harder than I ever had anyway) and managed a 20lb weight gain.  However, after this baby, I looked at myself and my life goals, and knew that I had to get my shit in order.  I weighed 210lbs and felt horrible.  I swore to myself that I would do what it took this time.  I started a weight loss program and lost 40 pounds.  I lost 40lbs without working out.  All I had to do was not stuff my mouth and think.  It was going really well.  I was starting to become happy with the idea and myself.

But, over the year I have gained back 10-12lbs and stopped really paying attention and today was my wake up call.  I need to get my butt back in gear.  I need to continue my journey.  I need to be happy.  Floundering is something I have done well my entire life and it is a habit I am having trouble breaking, but I have goals and I want to meet them.  I want to feel happy and confident.  I want to look in the mirror and not be looking for what is wrong and instead know what is right and while I know weight isn’t all of it, much of it starts there for me. I now have another 40lbs to lose and I am recommitting here and now to do what it takes, not only to lose weight, but to being happy being me.