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Life List

August 10, 2012

I am coming to terms with the idea that I will soon be 30.

30 isn’t old, but in my mind these days I feel old.  I feel mildly wise even.
In order to celebrate this milestone properly I am going to be having a 30 days of 30 celebration.  I am going to do something for myself each day for 30 days, 15 days before my birthday and 15 days after.  Now, I just need to figure out what I will do.

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At a Loss, Hopefully

July 24, 2012

I have been on a very personal journey for a little over a year now.  I have not really talked about it and I find it really hard to do so in ways other than to point out that I have been successful.  That sounds really bad, doesn’t it.  Hey, I am doing this thing, and I can’t really talk about it or anything, but let me tell you about all of my successes.

I think that now, however, it’s time to talk about it, to help motivate myself again.  So, here it goes.

My whole life I have been struggling with weight.  When I was younger, my mom would make fun of me and call me names which she never seemed to realize did nothing for her cause. She nicknamed me “lump” and managed to use that name for years and even to others make it seem endearing and and not mean, so then others joined in using the name. It was very hurtful and I let it control my actions for years.

Most of the time growing up I could count on my grandmother.  She is/was my favorite person in the whole world, but even she began to comment on my weight at the convincing of my mother.  My grandmother was better, but would still point out people who were heavy or fat and say things about how if I didn’t want to become like them, I needed to do  better.

I tried to do better.  I played sports and I stopped eating.  The eating thing didn’t last long, and instead, I doubled up on eating.

It wasn’t until I moved out and went to boarding school that I had any success with losing weight.  I felt happy, lost weight, and felt normal in my own skin. I started running 5 miles a day, I played soccer, I was enjoying life.

Even after getting kicked out of said boarding school and moving back home I did well, for a while anyway.

At 18, I made a life altering decision that rocked my world and led to depression.  I didn’t see any other way out, I couldn’t really talk about it, and I started eating all the time.  I gained back all the weight I lost and more.  Then, because of the weight I had gained I felt more depressed and so instead of doing something to fix things, I stuffed more food on top of my feelings and just kept eating.

At 21, I found out I was pregnant and for the first time in my life my mother was encouraging me to eat.  So, I allowed myself to get sucked into the trap of “oh, you’re eating for two” and “don’t worry, that’s baby weight” and all of those easy pregnancy traps.  In fact, I fell hard.  70lbs hard. After the baby, I lost some weight, but nothing of consequence, mainly enough to pacify my internal monologue.

When it came time for the second baby (another unexpected surprise) I knew I couldn’t fall into the same traps, but still gained 35-40lbs. This time I felt particularly bad, I knew better and yet here I was, weight loss after was much them same, except this time add in a cross country move and a new job that was beyond stressful.  I did not know which way up and neither did my weight, or it would have fainted at how bad I let things go.

Then, you guessed it, baby #3, and this time I really, really, meant it.  I was not gaining a bunch of weight.  I worked hard, (or harder than I ever had anyway) and managed a 20lb weight gain.  However, after this baby, I looked at myself and my life goals, and knew that I had to get my shit in order.  I weighed 210lbs and felt horrible.  I swore to myself that I would do what it took this time.  I started a weight loss program and lost 40 pounds.  I lost 40lbs without working out.  All I had to do was not stuff my mouth and think.  It was going really well.  I was starting to become happy with the idea and myself.

But, over the year I have gained back 10-12lbs and stopped really paying attention and today was my wake up call.  I need to get my butt back in gear.  I need to continue my journey.  I need to be happy.  Floundering is something I have done well my entire life and it is a habit I am having trouble breaking, but I have goals and I want to meet them.  I want to feel happy and confident.  I want to look in the mirror and not be looking for what is wrong and instead know what is right and while I know weight isn’t all of it, much of it starts there for me. I now have another 40lbs to lose and I am recommitting here and now to do what it takes, not only to lose weight, but to being happy being me.

Summer Inspiration

June 29, 2012

Lately, I have been in a weird mood.

I am staying up until crazy hours (4am), watching a ton of t.v. (3-4 hours for me is lots), and just generally struggling with human interactions.  It’s summer break, I should be living it up right?  I can not believe I am about to say this, but overall I miss my schedule.  I feel like a giant child who just constantly needs a nap and to be given directions on what to do next.

Not surprisingly, my kids are loving this version of life.  Eating dinner at 8:30 means they are not in bed until 9:30 and for my oldest it means sneaking a light into bed and staying up until midnight.  Which in turn means getting up at 11:00am and that means that my daughter, who’s 5, and the middle child doesn’t have to take a nap.  And, finally, it means that when my youngest does take a nap and the house is quite and I am drained and that I can nap perpetuating the whole cycle.

Now, normal people say: this is fixable, break your cycle and become normal again.  And yes, that sounds easy, but what do I have to do that is so pressing? I need reasons to be up. And not reasons like cleaning my house I can procrastinate those like nobody’s business, especially since no one ever comes to my house.

See there I go, procrastinating on tasks I am just idly listing off…

So, please for the sake of my children share some of your summer time activities other than work, that get you up, motivated, and moving.

Candy for Dinner Night

August 4, 2011

Cause that is the kind of Mom I am.

I have decided to start a new tradition – Once a year we are going to do the forbidden.  We are going to have candy and treats for dinner, and nothing but that!  It is something I always wanted to do, but just never have, and I have decided that my kids need to know that sometimes it is okay to just enjoy life and break the rules.

The main course!

 

Starbursts, Butterfingers, Milky Ways, Hershey's Nuggets, and York Peppermint Patties

 

The appetizer

 

M enjoying her appetizer

 

D enjoying his Cocoa Puffs too

 

And to round out the candy eating

 

Enjoying dinner and the movie

 

E being part of the cool crowd

 

 

 

 

I am back

May 10, 2011

Man, three kids has been crazy and I think I have finally found a way to squeeze my blog back in.

That’s right, hiding in bathroom with the computer.

Soon work will be over (13 days, not that I am counting) and I will be able to write more regularly and share some of the craziness that was this babies birth and the wonderful addition he has been to our family.

Good News

November 17, 2010

Here is the newest and latest update:

Okay, just last night I went to the doctor and she said the blood work came back all great!  So that is a really good thing.

They did say the the baby continues to measure asymmetrically and so they are having me come in 2 times a week now for ultrasounds and fetal monitoring and appointments.

Beyond that I have also been scheduled for an appointment with a Maternal-Fetal medicine office and they are going to do a Targeted Ultrasound so that they can get more specific measurements of everything on the baby and where the placenta is and why it may be causing the baby to have restricted growth.

The only thing we seem to have sure word on is that we should be expecting him to come early.

So overal,l this is good and the caution is just to make sure that they pay as much attention as they can to make sure he at  least continues to grow even if not evenly.  I have a feeling when he doesn’t show enough growth then they will want to deliver him.

A Small Update

November 15, 2010

An update, without much information yet.

The doctor’s office called today and I thought it was going to be about the blood test results, however, the nurse very nervously said they don’t have those results yet, but that the doctor has decided she would like me to come in 2 times a week for ultrasounds, non-stress tests, and visit.

I know she is being cautious, I just wish I knew more.  2 times a week is so crazy sounding to say out loud, especially when once every 2 weeks is the norm right now.

I am not a person of organized religion, I have faith in a higher power, and I am not often one to ask for prayers, but if you are the type to pray, please send up good thoughts for us and this new little one.

 

More tomorrow …