Well, I am at the point now where I could take a pregnancy test, but I am scared.

When I was 20 I was told that I would never have children unless there was an act of god or huge amounts of fertility drugs.  I was really sad at the time because I felt like I had lost out on my only chance to have kids when I was young, stupid, and apparently yet to have hormone issues.  So, after a short time of being upset, my fiance (now husband) and I decided to look on this as a chance to go wild.

Not so long after this, I was getting ready to take some really severe medication for my P.C.O.S. and before you can take this, you have to verify that you are not pregnant.  At the time, age 20, though I knew someday I would want children, I was still not  quite ready and was figuring that everything would go according to plan.  So, I peed on the stick and prayed.  Let me tell you, praying doesn’t mean jack shit when you are in your early twenties and are as busy as we were.  That’s right miracle number one discovered, and I freaked.  I think I peed on enough pregnancy tests to kill a person, because of shock and a need to prove to myself that I wasn’t crazy.  This set of nine months passed in a blur of college, a wedding, and settling into our first place.

Baby #2 was equally as shocking.  I was not hoping for another and at the time really wanted to just get my life set in order.  I was asked shortly before finding out, “when do you guys plan on having more kids?”  My response at the time?  “Um, not for a few years.”  Oh that’s right turns out the moment I said that, I was a good 4 weeks pregnant and had no clue!  The day I found out about #2 I cried, I stuttered, and I looked forlornly at what was supposed to again be a cyst ready to be removed and tried to decide on the best way to tell my husband.

The problem is this time I want it.  This time I am hoping to see that extra pink line and I am scared that it won’t ever happen.

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3 Comments on “Waiting”

  1. Kori Says:

    Oh, oh, oh…just go pee on the stick to put ME out of my misery waiting to find out.

    In all seriousness, though, I know how hard it is, and how scary. With Owen-and I wasn’t planning on nor did I particularly (at all) WANT a baby then, I KNEW I was pregnant, without a shadow of a doubt, and I still waited a week to take the test. And then I dropped about $50 on tests hoping that at least one of them would be a big fat negative, which of course it wasn’t. Different situations, similar feelings of fear. I will be thinking of you; really.

  2. Kori Says:

    Just checking in to see if you knew anything yet? And are you doing okay?

    • jennieology Says:

      Well, I was going to send you an email reply the other day, but things got crazy around here. And now, overall, there is no secret to keep. Just going to do what I do best and keep trying.

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